As the movie opens, the viewer is treated to bountiful aerial shots of the Californian Coast. This is the final instance the film doesn't contain something ludicrous/outrageous. We're introduced to a fetching waitress shortly thereafter, who rebuffs an eccentric 'former surfing great' barfly's attempts to fondle her. She's also quick to dodge an inquiry pertaining to the most unrealistic looking scar since Potter's lightning bolt situated on her upper leg. She bristles at the mention of sharks. Meanwhile our protagonist is literally surfing up a storm out in the seawater, for an ominous and improbably fast moving storm begins to emerge on the skyline. When our protagonist starts a convo with a skilled fellow surfer, they have a fleeting comp to see who is the superior surfer. Then a shark is sprung and sadly sullies the low-key face off. The dorsal breaks the surface and the poor surfer is promptly dismembered. The man helpfully suggests to the ill-fated girl to "GET OUTTA THE WATER!". Yeh, that sorta isn't an immediate option considering that they're, you know, 100 yards or so offshore.
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| Horrifying suspense. |
Then the film scales priorly unseen levels of craziness as an arsenal of jaw-snapping, streamlined, computerized sharks bear down on the beach and start bowling over bathers left right & centre. The banquet is short-lived however, as it eventually occurs to onlookers that some hazardous shite is in progress, so they theatrically run away. Although you might observe some of the beach-goers tearing back & forth up and down the beach flailing their arms which is yet another bizarro element to this movie that can quite easily be missed. The viewer is then granted several shots of limbless, screaming people beachside before we go back into the bar. But not before the guy utters what might rival Casablanca's "Here's looking at you, kid" as the greatest line in movie history: "Sharks don't like Vegemite!" Upon nursing his injured Aussie, jet-skier friend's wounds.
Naturally, after witnessing the unspeakable horror just described, our band of main characters are joking and engaging in lively conversation back at the bar. Yes that's right, these people are bantering frivolously literally moments after the Carcaradon carnage unfolded on the beach. Okay. Also, the main character simply chalks the shark influx up to 'just the storm', which would be like if I was playing monopoly and decided to rip the board game in two and throw the game pieces everywhere and proclaim that 'the storm outside made me do it, I'll be fine to carry on the game once the storm clears'. Anyhow, Included amongst this motley group is the self-described Tasmanian who was just mauled. Call me a pessimist but I'm a little unsure whether someone who less than an hour ago had a rapacious, mega shark latched onto his leg would be back at the bar so soon merrily joking with pals. However their repartee is curtailed by reports the storm is reforming and set to wreak increased havoc with sharks riding in its coattails. No sooner is this development imparted than a shark ploughs thru the establishment into the diner. No, really, that actually happened. I've heard of 'the customer's always right ' but 'the customers always BITE'? The shark starts sliding itself around the floor snapping at patrons, before the aforementioned fetching waitress does the only thing you CAN do in this situation and impales the shark with a pool cue. Amazing.
Later, the Santa Monica pier is engulfed by the storm and the Ferris wheel rolls away, as our heroes attempt to flee the rapidly flooding city via car. It's upsetting to watch one of my favourite cities inundated but If I was that Ferris wheel, I'd roll away too, simply to escape the steadily worsening plot. The sharks are circling and apparently nudging at the car's underside with their noses, which is far too nonsensical to even flirt with scariness. The quartet decide to gun it, but not before the lecherous old eccentric coot from earlier is set upon and demolished by a shark/s. After roughly 3 seconds of feeling upset, they move on from his demise and push fwd, eventually seeking refuge at Tara Reid's house. Reid plays a perpetually pissed off ex-wife whom chastises her former husband as often as she can. It's a real acting stretch from Reid, whom delivers an award-worthy performance. And by award I of course mean Razzie award for the most obnoxious 'acting' of the year. Later, back at Reid's abode, and with raging floodwaters torrenting outside, our heroes sit tight and try to wait the ordeal out.
Attempts to convince Reid and her new boyfriend (a thoroughly loathsome character whom seems to naysay people before they even get a chance to say anything at all) that the streets are swimming with sharks prove unsuccessful. However the disbelieving boyfriend has no choice but to believe the sharky malarkey after he opens the front door only to be eaten immediately by a particularly nosy shark who thrashes its way across the threshold. The house begins to fill with water and The rest of the gang holed up in the house try to ward off their endothermic eaters-to- be, but their attempts to repel the ravening fish end up being quite, forgive me for this, TOOTHLESS. They eventually make for the partially submerged staircase to supposed safety. Later on, once they've left the house, they encounter a schoolbus of kids dangling precariously from a bridge with sharks dilly dallying about below. The less said about this scene the better, but our hero does manage to save people using elaborate abseiling equipment which was seemingly on hand the entire time. I guess the viewer isn't supposed to query why someone would randomly have a harness and various safety equipment with them on a whim. Then an aerial army of sharks are spotted twirling about in the atmosphere like propellers due to a tornado which is catalysing their skyward spinning. Wait a sec, tornado...+ sharks...= SHARKNADO! Now I know how they thought up the title, ingenious! Wait a go- portmanteau! Haha, I've heard of fly-fishing- but FLYING FISH! Boom
Later, they all happen upon a new hideout, a warehouse, which for reasons now unclear to me, is stacked to the rafters with various armaments. Some stuff then happens that give the term implausibility a bad name and eventually a helicopter scene occurs. Well, of course. It is hear where the cute waitress names the causer of her scar tissue- a shark- which in a heart-wrenching scene- she says the shark "grabbed my leg". There's a reference to Jaws here too, which is more of a filmic facepalm than nod considering Jaws' standing as one of Classical Hollywood's finest films and this film's status as valueless dreck. In a moment sure to induce quizzical looks, a hammerhead plummets from the sky and slams onto the torso of a man lying on the ground. Then the hero is swallowed by a shark holding a chainsaw which he uses to incise a hold in the shark's side which he climbs out of heroically. Embraces abound and Tara Reid finally gives us something other than a pouty, permanently displeased 'bad hair day' expression and truth be told I was actually happy for Tara. The movie basically sets fire to believability and throws its ashes off the end of the earth, so much so that I was half-expecting the film's cast to all link arms and perform a celebratory rendition of the song 'Car Wash' whilst twirling umbrellas at film's end. Alas, this didn't happen, I wish it happened
Best (worst) dialogue:
"Are they sharks?"
Bestest (badder) dialogue II:
"I hate sharks."
Actual tagline:
Enough Said!
My tagline:
When the eye of a storm becomes the breeding ground for terror.
Movie Title Acrostic Poem:
Shit
Hilarity
As
Relatively
Klutzy
Ninnies
Adroitly
Destroy
Oceanic-beasts
Best character decision:
I can't remember who it was but whoever decided to commandeer a chopper (that was laying around) and drop a bomb inside 'the eye of the tornado' deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.
Conclusion:
This film makes some of the most ridiculous movies you've seen look positively veracious. Once again, the titular creature is rendered a murderous villain which is also very irritating. Production values waver between woeful and very very mediocre and the performances leave a helluva lot to be desired. The dialogue is diabolical. So, yes, This is very poor tosh, but it's self-aware poor tosh, and it uses its ineptitude as ballast to draw laughs out of the viewer. Which it did. It was hilarious
Rating:
2.9/10
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